Those darling first-time parents! (Part I)
I’ve found that now that I have two kids, I see the people with a first baby the same way I thought of fifth-graders when I was in high school. Hell, let’s say they’re in kindergarten and I’m finishing up a master’s degree.
“Oh, you have a baby? That’s nice. Oh, that makes you a parent? Ah, ha ha. I guess it does, technically, yes, yes.
“Oh, you want to hang out because we have kids, too? Sure, well, call me us in a few years when you have an actual kid. We don’t have time to train you right now … but oh, you are so cute. No, not the baby …”
They really are darling, with their wraps and their spotless strollers and their earnestness about natural, organic clothing and wipe warmers. And their lack of knowledge of “Phineas and Ferb,” and even “Caillou,” that whiny, bald, seemingly sweet scourge of the Great White North. Not that they will ever turn on a TV in their tiny sun king’s presence.
And there are so many levels they must play to get to where the average burned-out parent of two is:
- Learning to pick locks: This may not be a need in the more prepared and childproofed households, but one essential skill that I now cherish is my hard won ability to jimmy a doorknob lock to a bathroom – one that occasionally includes a cackling and/or weeping child — and to extricate them fast, before they succeed in their mission to empty all the soap into the running faucet. This has in fact become a favorite duty of mine, as I find a new use for old membership cards and get to feel like a badass from a ’70s cop show.
- Making a decision on what to do when your children are “shooting” other drivers: Yes, I was once a “no play weapons – ever!” parent, too. Uh-huh. We pretty much all were. Even the parents who now promote the use of toy submachine guns. Then the boys turned 4 or so. Talk to us when you get to the other side of 3. As far as shooting at other motorists with fingers goes, I now decide to allow it, but only if the victims are very bad drivers. (Hey, the boys need to get a sense of fairness somewhere.)
- Making difficult shopping decisions. For instance, more advanced parenting does not call for such agonizing choices as whether to drop a grand on a Bugaboo stroller or dare be seen with the utilitarian, reasonably priced Graco. No, the big choices now come down to whether it’s smarter financial planning to buy the more expensive washable crayons, and wipe them off your walls with water, or to buy the cheapest ones you possibly can and invest in many, many, many Magic Erasers. Honestly, I think this is a serious area for future research, since we do need crayons weekly. The Two Boys may or may not be eating them, or hoarding them for a giant … ball of wax? Beehive full of human drones? (Who’s to say? They have seen a lot of “Phineas and Ferb” lately.)
But what is the Magic Eraser, you ask? Ah, another newbie. To be continued …—Jillian O’Connor
I wonder why we can’t support each other. I know I would have loved a bit more when mine where young. That was a very long time ago, but I do remember feeling out of my element some times. and a supportive smile or a your doing a great job could have come more often. I have three, so in turn I could say well two must be a breeze, or because two of mine are at university I could say you don’t known worry until they start driving or saying not to drinking and drugs. I have a friend with twins…I think to myself, now that’s hard. Or perhaps a parent with 5 or 6 children would say we don’t know what hard is. But really, we are just parents in the same barrel and a smile and a bit of support goes so far.
It’s just a snarky take on looking back after a few years as a parent. Not meant to be taken literally, like most of the commentary on the site. I am quite nice to all new parents, as were most of the people I ever encountered.
The Magic Eraser. I felt like I found the solution to all of the world’s problems when I discovered the Magic Eraser. I, too, am an excellent lock picker! I think it comes with being a mom of two boys. I always said I was going to limit TV, video games and more, but I realized I had to pick my battles!
The Magic Eraser has solved *many* problems. I once thought I should use it to wash all walls — just as the regular go-to cleaner, and not as a special-occasion tool! (Hey, let’s use it to mop the floor!!) Though it is made of melamine … or something else you don’t want to bathe your entire home in. FYI, I have read it’s definitely not OK for kids themselves to handle the sponges.
I am childless but I do try to give that supportive smile and say a few kind words to moms. I also compliment them on their sweet, well-behaved children whenever I can.
I’m sure it’s always appreciated. Please don’t use my snarky take as any kind of guidebook.
How is it possible that I’m just learning about the Magic Eraser?
Well, my two most significant mom-product discoveries came via Elisabeth Hasselbeck on “The View,” via my mother! Can’t live without Zout or the Magic Eraser now. Though I think Zout triggers headaches for me. But it removes stains *after* you’ve dried them in. It was designed for the lazy. Hooray!